Opinion

People I’m (Still) Not Trusting In 2018, And You Shouldn’t Either

It's officially "cutting off" season. You know, that time of year where your social media TLs and newsfeeds are flooded with people declaring and decreeing who and what they're leaving behind as they embark on the new year.

It’s officially “cutting off” season. You know, that time of year where your social media TLs and newsfeeds are flooded with people declaring and decreeing who and what they’re leaving behind as they embark on the new year. While many roll their eyes at those so boldly sharing their “new year, new me” blueprints, I love it. I absolutely love the feeling of a fresh start and seeing an earnest commitment from those focused on doing so. I believe developing a “getting left” list is essential for everybody and if you need any help creating your own for 2018, allow me to assist you. Let’s focus on something we all have a love/hate relationship with: people! Here’s a list of people you certainly shouldn’t be trusting in 2018, if you haven’t stopped already (like me):

People who eat McRibs: I’m a firm believer in restaurants staying in their own lane, so for the life of me I can’t understand what anyone would want to do with ribs that come from McDonald’s. I won’t even eat cookies from that establishment. I’ll barely eat their burgers. Why are you eating pork from McDonald’s?! What kind of monster are you? Do you have any standards or morals? I’m gagging as I type this. You and I both don’t deserve that type of energy around us!

People who don’t count their money at the ATM (or their chicken nuggets): Ok, maybe I just have trust issues. But if a person doesn’t have enough regard for their own hard-earned money to take a moment to count it to make sure the ATM didn’t play them, they’ll play you, too. I don’t make the rules. The same thing goes for chicken nuggets.  Does this person truly value their investments, big or small? I’m telling you, these are major character clues.

People who don’t listen to music when they drive: Like, are you ok? Is everything alright at home? Why are you driving in silence?! Turn on a podcast, sports radio, something! I mean, I love sports radio and the only sport I understand is basketball.  When I envision someone who doesn’t listen to music when they drive, I see a man in all black (cap, turtleneck, pants, combat boots) driving toward the woods with nothing but a piece of rope in the backseat. We’re not trusting rope in 2018.

People who eat thin crust pizza: Most people who order thin crust pizza are doing so in an attempt to be healthy. While admirable, healthy and pizza go together like oil and water; they don’t. I bet you scrape icing off your cake to “save calories,” too. Which means you’re no fun at parties. Which means you’re getting left in 2017 because we’re partying and celebrating everything in 2018. Once again, I don’t make the rules.

People who don’t rinse after brushing their teeth: Why are you leaving the house with a chalky mouth?  Why are you too lazy to grab some water? Why don’t you want better for yourself? I’m really not understanding. These people clearly don’t care about themselves, and they won’t care about you either!

People who drink orange juice with pulp and eat crunchy peanut butter: These people are absolute monsters and I simply cannot. There are no words. Run from them.

Govern yourselves accordingly and let’s make 2018 the best one yet!

X’s and O’s,

JF

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