Currently, I am working on a project about forgiveness. It is breaking parts of me to write it, but that is needed. I need to be broken so that I can “feel” the characters in my book. I need to relive what it feels like to be broken by people. I need that to go into my work.
But most importantly, I need it for me.
I have to learn to forgive. For every time I was broken by a person, I built up resentment. Sometimes, not even for that person. Sometimes, I only built up resentment for myself—that led to many mistakes.
Oftentimes as people of African descent, we harbor feelings of resentment in the communities we live in. Since so much has been done to us, we forget to love ourselves. As a biracial woman, I know hate in some of its most guileful ideations.
We bleed. Of course. But sometimes, putting the band-aid on is up to us. Getting those painful stitches is up to us.
What is my project specifically about you ask? Trigger warning: I am working on a book about rape.
Some backstory: I grew up in foster care. Group homes, to be exact. Many of the girls there had experienced some type of molestation. It had attempted to ruin their lives. I emphasize the word “attempted”. I did not see one girl break under the weight of all that daily pressure. I saw them laugh. I saw them love. I saw them grow.
I saw them bleed.
Metaphorically, of course—but they bled their feelings on a daily basis and I saw that too. I bled out myself. But I watched as hate tried to destroy some of their lives. It tried to destroy mine. Again, I emphasize the word “tried”. I am learning to forgive.
There is beauty in struggle because there is beauty in growth.
There is beauty in struggle because there is beauty in growth. Pain don’t always last, but when you pull through, the results will—the beauty will too.
And what goes around comes right back around. I’ve witnessed this on more than many an occasion, in my own life as well. So no, whoever hurt you doesn’t get to “go free” without repercussions. But you do.
This project is helping me break down some walls. For so long, there has been unforgiveness that I haven’t let go of—causing me pain. But I’m speaking truth to power. Let’s work on forgiving ourselves today.