So, as I write this I realize that I am in a funk. It’s a bad place to be, but it’s also necessary. About three years ago, I went back to therapy. For those who are not aware, I have been battling a demon, or should I say “warring with a demon” (because battles are longer than wars). This demon is depression. It amazes me that I have wrote this out. But yes, I suffer from depression. I sometimes feel ashamed. Many people with depression like to hide it, pretend it’s not there or worse, try to end the suffering by ending their lives. By the grace of God, the third option is not one I would ever take. Depression hurts but it will never hurt me that much.
The best part of therapy is learning to love yourself through depression. It’s so FUCKING HARD to do. Because, quite frankly, depression hides love from you. You don’t feel worthy of it. You don’t want to let people see you or be around you because you don’t want them to see. You dont want them to see how much you don’t love yourself. You give up on a lot. You give up on yourself (hence so many people ending their lives). I have learned so much about myself and what I need to do to become better. I have learned about self confidence and self worth. Appreciating the journey and not denouncing my progress.
Five years ago, I was a doormat, a people pleaser. I thought I had to behave a certain way for people to like me. Three years ago, I realized something…enough was enough. I was done. I was done crying myself to sleep. I was done being everyone’s “jolly friend” that made everyone smile and couldn’t buy a smile for herself. And I most certainly was done with dudes with 1/2 a job, no vehicle and no name on a deed acting like I should be thanking the Father, Son and Holy Ghost that they said hello to me and asked me if they could “come through”. Um, fuck off Jody.
Therapy has helped me to recognize when I am in a funk and gives me tools on how to manage (hence this feelings purge). I am not where I want to be but I am thankful I’m not on the wrong side of a razor blade.
Even in my funk, I will enjoy this time…and this glass of wine. I plead that anyone in a “funk” or feeling the nagging voice of the depression demon to find help. And never give up on yourself. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!